


Parson

by datneeks



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Gen, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-05-08
Packaged: 2018-03-29 14:06:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3899113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/datneeks/pseuds/datneeks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To the tune of "Gaston" from Disney's "Beauty and the Beast", set immediately after the events of "Parse III", inspired a little bit by everyone gushing over the title character in "Parse II".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Parson

**Author's Note:**

> (i'm not sorry. XD)
> 
> i was thinking up random Check Please! AU's, and "bitty and the beast" came to mind with kent parson in the part of gaston, and...yeah.
> 
> (incidentally if anyone wants to use that as an AU prompt, by all means help yourself.)
> 
> a thousand thanks to musicwillrule for betaing!

Parson:  
Who does he think he is?  
Zimms has tangled with the wrong man!  
  
Shitty:  
Say what?  
  
Parson:  
No one says "no" to Parson!  
Dismissed! Rejected!  
Privately humiliated! Why, it's more than I can bear.  
  
Shitty:  
Tub juice?  
  
Parson:  
What for? Nothing helps. I'm disgraced.  
  
Shitty:  
Who, you? Never! Parse, brah, you've got to pull yourself together.  
  
Shitty:  
Fuck it disturbs me to see you, Parson  
Looking so down in the dumps  
Every guy here'd love to be you, Parson  
Even when taking your lumps  
There's no hockey bro as admired as you  
You're everyone's favorite guy  
Everyone's awed and inspired by you  
And it's not very hard to see why  
No one's slick as Parson  
No one's quick as Parson  
No one's quite as adept with a stick as Parson  
For there's no man in town half as manly  
Perfect, a pure paragon!  
You can ask Wayne Gretzky or Lord Stanley  
And they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be on  
  
Shitty and the Frogs:  
No one's been like Parson  
A king pin like Parson  
  
Shitty:  
No one's got a sweet cleft in his chin like Parson  
  
Parson:  
All those records I broke are intimidating!  
  
Shitty and Frogs:  
A modest bro, that Parson!  
Give five "hurrahs!"  
Give twelve "hip-hips!"  
  
Shitty:  
Parson is the best  
And the rest is all drips  
  
Frogs:  
No one fights like Parson  
Douses lights like Parson  
  
Shitty:  
When the gloves come off nobody smites like Parson!  
  
Puck bunnies:  
For there's no one as lithe or athletic  
  
Parson:  
As you see I've quadriceps to spare  
  
Shitty:  
He's not even a little pathetic  
  
Parson:  
That's right!  
Though I wish I could do something about this hair  
  
Frogs:  
No one quips like Parson  
Matches wits like Parson  
  
(Jack, huddled upstairs in his room:  
No one cuts to emotional quicks like Parson)  
  
Parson:  
I'm especially good at demoralizing!  
Catch you later, Zimms!  
  
Frogs:  
Ten points for Parson?  
  
Parson:  
When I was a lad I did four dozen squats  
Every morning to help me get large  
And now that I'm grown I do five dozen squats  
So my glutes are the size of a barge!  
  
Frogs:  
'Swawesome!  
My what a guy, that Parson!  
No one shoots like Parson  
Makes those beauts like Parson  
  
(Jack, rocking back and forth a little:  
Weaponizes uncomfortable "truths" like Parson)  
  
Parson:  
I use hockey in all of my decorating!  
  
Frogs:  
My what a guy,  
Parson!  



End file.
